What happened to Grace?

So I lived in Fairbanks, Alaska for a while when I was in grad school. It really was a good place, and I'd go back if I had an opportunity. Fairbanks left some marks on me, though. I moved up there with my first wife in 1997. Both of us were born and raised in Southern Baptist Churches (not literally, of course: I was born in a hospital, and raised in my parents house). We quickly got involved in a baptist church in Fairbanks, and made a lot of friends. I eventually became the young couples Sunday school teacher, the youth pastor, worship team member, and for one summer, the preacher. I attended all the meetings, went to the men's group functions, had a prayer partner - if it happened at or because of church, I was probably involved somehow. And I liked it, mostly. I had friends. I was important to people and they all treated me mostly with respect.

Then I started to question if that's really all there was to being a Christian: being nice to each other and filling positions in church programs. I slowly became disillusioned by it and wanted out. Eventually, I became very rebellious against God and church, but managed to keep it to myself for the most part. None of my church friends really cared what was going on with me, though, until my wife and I split. Within seconds, all of these people whom I had gladly served at church for several years, who had been my friends, scattered. I was an instant pariah. If anyone did speak to me, it was to be uncomfortably polite ("Just don't look him in the eye, dear...") or to castigate me. I left that church feeling used up, and discarded. In a word, I was lied to by people who had been like family.

I was still in school, studying geology, all this time. Now in your average American geology department, religious faith of any kind is a non-native species. What really sticks in my memory, though, is that when my non-believer friends learned what was happening in my life, they actually rallied around me. While they may have also thought I was making some bad choices, they remained my friends just the same. They took care of me. It all seemed, and still seems, so backwards.

I think back on those times now, and I still feel a little prickly about it. I never completely lost my faith in God, and the precepts of Christianity spelled out in the Bible resonate with more truth now than ever. But I have to say, I lost a lot of faith in Christians. I haven't yet recovered much of it, either. I have a hard time understanding why Christians - those who are supposed to understand grace as God meant it - are the most unforgiving, petty, small, dark-hearted, hateful people you'd ever want to meet. I realize I am generalizing, and I know there are some Christians who genuinely reflect the grace and peace of Christ. I just wish I knew where they all are.