Dear Passenger 16E on Northwest Flight 2386 from Anchorage to Minneapolis:
I want to publicly thank you for a delightful six hours yesterday. Sitting next to you was the highlight of my week. When you later fell asleep leaning four inches from my left ear, I couldn't believe my good luck.
From the first time you shoved me off the armrest I knew that you were something special. Other less sensitive people might have called you a feckless, inconsiderate jerk, but not me. I know the frustration and disappointment of boarding a plane, only to find I have to share it with others. In fact, I have seriously considered running for president, governor, or California senator just so I can enjoy private air travel. You might consider this as well. With your charm and meaty aroma, how could America not love you as much as I do?
I must admit that I was taken aback when, after my several ill-advised attempts to find the smallest space at the back of the arm rest, you loudly accused me of...what was it? Ah, yes, you shouted, "You're trying to crowd me out!" In retrospect, I completely agree that you should never have had to tolerate such effrontery from the likes of me. Please believe I meant no offense. And when I told you in response that you are like a child, I meant it in the most complimentary way. I mean, just because I paid at least as much as you did, I would never have presumed that you weren't entitled to all of your cubic meter and half of mine. I just hope I was able to mold myself to the wall of the plane enough to allow you to spread out like you were in your La-Z-Boy at home. I was waiting for you to growl at the flight attendant, "Fetch me a beer, and hand me the remote." Clearly, you deserve to fly in as much luxury a economy class allows. I regret now that I did not offer to stand quietly by the lavatory so you could stretch out even more. But the moment has passed, and all I can do now is ask your forgiveness. I hope we can remain friends.
I rather doubt you know how to use a computer, or for that matter, read--someone of your importance certainly has people for that. However, if you read this, please call me. I'd like to have a chance to make things up to you. Perhaps we can fly kites together or get an ice cream cone. I'd like that.
Your humble servant,
Kenny Lopez
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