Homeschool Moms and Why I Don't Go to Church

So my kids' tae kwon do class is all homeschooled children, and most of the parents, as far as I can tell, are church people. I base this inference on snippets of overheard conversations about their various roles in their respective churches, the creationist science curriculum they use, and the various things they pray about.


One afternoon last week, while the kids were in their class, the parents were sitting around the viewing area chit-chatting, mostly about homeschooling topics. At one point, one of the moms entered the viewing area and started telling the other moms about the moral weakness of some person in her life and how frustrating it is for her because, "you just can't teach someone to have morals." (As an aside, I have to wonder how one acquires moral values, if they aren't taught.)

After my class ended, I went into the boys' locker room to fetch my son. As we walked out this same woman stopped him and said her son wanted to talk to him. The other boy then told Jacob, "When you called me a baby white belt it hurt my feelings." Jacob's response was that he didn't say it. The mom then polled the other two boys that were with her, and they both agreed that Jacob had, in fact, called the boy a baby. Jacob continued to deny it, but I (regrettably) told him to apologize. In the best angry, but non-shouting, voice he could muster, he growled, "Fine. Sorry." I said something about not calling other people names, and we left. Afterward, I felt terrible for not sticking up for my son better than I did. But that's another story. I asked Jacob about it later, and he maintains that all he said was that the boy was a white belt and couldn't participate in sparring yet, and I believe him.

I took the kids to class again today, and about twenty minutes before the end, the same woman started telling one of the other moms about how her son had been bullied in the locker room by another boy who called him "baby white belt." I was sitting right there! I had to stop her and tell her that my son did not in fact call her kid any kind of name, and I reminded her that the other boys who corroborated the story were brothers or friends, and of course they're going to say he did. ("But my boys don't lie!") I also pointed out that her son is indeed a white belt, so what's the problem? (My wife said to me later, that even if Jacob had called the kid a baby, that also is apparently true. She's so funny.) Needless to say, I was pretty hot about the whole thing (and still am, which is why I am writing this now).

This event is infuriating on its own, but it fits into a broader context for me. While I can say some of the kindest, most loving and compassionate people I know are church people, most of the best friends I have had in my life have been non-Christians. But for the last decade or so, the defining question of my life has been this: why is it that the meanest, most hateful, dark-hearted people I know are church people? The people that have treated me the worst, gossiped about me the most, ostracized me the farthest, judged me most harshly, have been church people. Isn't this backwards?

I have not lost my faith in Christ. I believe that every person needs redeeming, and that Jesus came and through his death and resurrection fulfilled that need. I believe there's nothing I have to do to earn salvation; all I have to do is ask. But I have lost a lot of faith in Christians, and have not been actively involved in a church for ten years or so. I have missed having a church family from time to time, but when I have tried to re-engage, I am quickly reminded why I quit going to begin with: church people are cliquish and self-absorbed at best, and spiteful and mean at worst. In my most recent attempt, I attended a church regularly and played guitar in the worship band once or twice a month for some time. When I realized that far more people knew me only as Catherine's Husband than by my actual name, I dropped out again. After several months, I don't think anyone has noticed my absence.

Anyway, Christians have a reputation in our culture of being vengeful, petty, and bigoted. While it's easy to blame it on the left-wing media distorting the image of the church, I'm not sure the reputation is entirely undeserved. When a Christian mom can publicly decry the moral failings of another person, and then a week later spread gossip about a six-year old boy it's not hard to believe the popular perceptions of the church. Jesus told his followers that the world will recognize them by their love for one another. From my experience, though, I can usually spot the Christians by opposite characteristics. Can someone explain this discrepancy to me?